Friday, June 27, 2008

Who is this Me?

This week has been one of the toughest weeks I have had in a long time. I have really struggled with my health this week, which in turn has set off my emotional health as well. I am not sure how to deal with all of this, so for me when I get overwhelmed or consumed by something, I tend to write. But I am going to be honest, I don't usually let anyone read what I have written. However I feel as though I have struggled to put into words how I am dealing with my MS, so tonight as I laid here once again consumed by my fears and worries, I found myself writing for the first time since I have been diagnosed.... so here it is

Who is this Me?

Written 6/27/08

This disease called MS is ruining my me…

It’s sucking my life out, why can’t you see….

The thoughts that are raging and consuming my mind

Are irrational, cynical, angry, and mostly unkind

It’s like a war that raging from deep down inside

The pain and burning does not seem to want to subside

There are days filled with energy that seem to be so good

But they are hardly remembered, although they sure should

They should be my focus on the really bad days

But when bad days come, they are but a haze.

I am tired of dealing with this, and it’s just been a year

I feel as though I have lost myself, and that is what I fear.

The fears consume me; they seem to rupture my soul

The tears rush like rivers, drowning out all my goals.

I had different plans God – why can’t you see

This disease is destroying this person I call me

Who is me anymore, or dare do I ask

I am not even sure; it’s like wearing a mask

I am empty, I am broken, I am just a big mess

All I want is to be me, and that would be a success

But now the question is back to square one

Who is this me, to this question I succumb…

Who is this me that I search for, is there even a hope

I struggle to find out the answers, Lord please help me cope

You see I know all the answers, I have the degree

But it doesn’t take away the memories of the old me.

I should put things in the past, most people would say

And put on a smile, and celebrate this brand new day

The advice sounds legit a good place to start

But how do you begin to overcome the funeral in my heart.

Right now in the midst of this troublesome time

I must cling to the hope that only in Him I can find

The me that I long for, I may never again know

But I am sure the Great Healer will stand my side as I go

This is a comfort, but truly honest I must be

That when life’s filled with darkness His light’s hard to see

So right now as I wrestle, with the thoughts of despair

I get by with the promise that God will always be there

Although this storm, seems to be wrecking my well planned out life

I cling to the promise that I will never be left out of His sight

Lord, I need you to hold me, to get me through this life’s storm

Show me a new me, one to which you will form

Form me into a servant; give me a heart that will love

Show me new ways to show your mercy, ways that comes from above.

And now as I rest, hold me tight in your arms

For only You can give shelter in the midst of the storms


Jessica said...

I have been what you would call a "stalker" of your blog. I just had to comment on your writing this morning. It was very touching. I am glad that you had the courage to share it with others. It is so much better to let it out, girl! I am proud of you.
You probably don't know me...but I met you once at Cruisers' with Joel. It was the day you got home from NC.
Just wanted you to know that I enjoyed your blog writing today. We all struggle...I have some of the same issues as you...and I don't have an illness!! :) Just know that you are not alone!
Your Sister in CHRIST


Nikki said...

I said a little prayer for you, Jana. Be well. Much love.

Ashley said...

Thanks for your vulnerability in sharing this. It really spoke to me and I must say that I admire you!! I don't know if I could handle it like you do. I'm sure you have days where you feel like you aren't "handling" it at all - but let me tell you that your life and this struggle which makes no sense is teaching me a lot. I can tell that you are learning how to surrender control and I think that is so, so brave. You are pretty much amazing!

jhack said...

i'm so glad you took the risk of putting your thoughts into words for others to see. your relationship with God forever inspires, encourages, and convicts me.