It's not even one of those days..... though it is..... it's not even one of those weeks.... though it is. I am struggling! Though at times I feel full.... excited, ready to face the day.... I still feel empty, lonely, and disconnected. It's not just one thing.... it is everything, and of course it all hits like a ton of emotional bricks, two days before I have to speak about Joy! I am guessing this is all part of the enemies plan to rob my joy! It also all happens while my husband is 13 hours away for several days while we are in another country. I can't pinpoint one thing that has caused me to feel stuck in this place of wandering.... but I am here, so there must be a reason. Have you been in the desert? I think if we are all honest we have all been there sometimes for reasons we can't even put into words.
It is difficult to share this because no one likes to admit when their life feels void, when you feel like you have a weight in your heart that doesn't seem to want to go away.... when you feel like you aren't enough......
Today I share this in hopes that maybe my struggles may help you to know you aren't alone. To encourage you to know that you are enough.... because he is enough!
We have been away from our home for two months now, and today we begin our third and final month of our journey to Romania. It has been hard (especially with me being so sick at first), It has been amazing, challenging, stretching..... but it has been at times lonely.... knowing that life is still going on at home.... changes are being made while we are gone.... feeling lost.... feeling disconnected. I imagine that is one of the challenges of being a missionary.... it's hard... but it's a hard length of time to be gone as well.... you are gone long enough that you stretched but not long enough to completely emerse yourself because you know that soon you must begin the process of going home, and from what I have read on several missionary and travel abroad sites, that is the biggest challenge. I would be lying if I said that I am fearful to return because I am not sure what my place is.... not sure if I can go back to seven random jobs.... not sure what I am supposed to be doing, or how I am supposed to be serving.... though I have had time to pray and ponder that..... I still struggle to feel as though I am not enough.... though I know in God's word he says, we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do a good work.... I just wish I knew what that work was to be..... but today I cling to the statement.... I am enough BECAUSE HE IS ENOUGH!!!
I am struggling as a parent. I have spent almost every hour with my child since we have been here.... even at night I don't always get a break due to the nightmares, or fears of being in a new place.... I love her dearly, she is the best gift God has ever given to us, but it is hard! She is a threenager as my friend calls it. Constant training and correcting, encouraging and supporting.... I am not complaining because I love being a mom, I love being her mom, I am just tired and feel like I am not doing a good job.... I don't feel like I am enough..... I yell when I want to be calm, I am impatient when I want to be patient, my frustrations radiate on my face, when I want to gently correct. Urghhhh - fealing again that I am not enough! I am reminded in Esther - that God called her to do an amazing work - to save her people, and he called her "For such a time as this!" For such a time as this, God you have called me to teach, train, and encourage this young little girl..... help me to know that I am enough only BECAUSE YOU ARE ENOUGH!
I struggle with what my ministry should look like.... I feel a call to be speaking and teaching... my husband encourages me to do that and says that God made me for that. I love it and know that is part of His plan... but how does that work... how do I balance, how do I pursue that and not let comments of others discourage me when I have to go away for a few days. I know that following you and what you have asked us to do doesn't always make sense, but it is hard..... there are times I think maybe I just need to get a "real job" because my student loans are so high, so I have to work, but I was told by my doctor not to work full time.... oh I feel torn! I need direction.... I want to do what God has called me to do and be faithful! I want to make a difference in people's lives! I want to share Joy! I am enough BECAUSE HE IS ENOUGH!
I struggle with my friendships..... being a pastor's wife can be a lonely place.... being a counselor can be a lonely place. I feel like I go out of my way to invest and encourage but then feel as though I am alone as I pour out into others, but feel empty myself..... it makes me think of that old SNL sketch with Stuart Smalley.... "I am good enough, strong enough, and gosh darn it people like me" I just feel as though I am alone.... although I know that I am not.... because Jesus said, I will NEVER leave you, nor forsake you...... I am enough BECAUSE HE IS ENOUGH!
The list of struggles could go on and on.... but I will stop there..... my daughter if finally napping, and I have stopped my tears over the fact that I spilled my drink while we were having a picnic lunch and my daughter melted down because it got all over Romania Raccoon.... my emotions are raw, but I will cling to the promise today that I am enough.....because He is enough!
When I go though these times in my life, I have songs that play over and over in my head.... today I alternate between More Than Enough, and Place in this World (yes, an oldie but a goodie!) So enjoy a little music as I bid farewell and spend some time just being still.