Redeeming the 30s

As I move towards the ever so blessed 40s age bracket, I can't help but think and reflect back on my 30s.  It seems as though I turned 30 and my body started to fall apart.  I had major knee surgery the day before my 30th birthday after completing my first Half Marathon - I was in the best shape of my life, but my body was beginning to start down a pretty harsh down hill spiral.

Two days after my knee surgery, they found a blood clot in my leg... which after some genetic testing they found I had a blood clotting disorder called Factor V Liden.  Fun times rehabbing not just the knee but also working through the blood clot.

As if that wasn't enough at the end of that year I also woke up blind one day.... very long story short.... I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, a journey that seems to rob me from so many things that I loved,,,, no more exercising because the heat made me feel awful, no more tennis, because I could no longer judge where the ball was coming from - not having depth perception really put a stop to so many of the things that I loved - I mean I was a Phys Ed teacher.... I loved sports...key being the past tense of love.

Over the past 5 years I have come to grips with my new lifestyle which doesn't really include many sports other than golf (when its not too hot) and bowling - both sports that don't have a ball flying at me.  I have sat back and watched people play sports, exercise and have learned to be content in my position of watching.  It has been a journey... sometimes a good one, sometimes one of struggle.  I have even at weak moments thought - I can still do that - I will give it a try - like when I subbed one day and thought maybe I could try pickleball - EPIC FAIL - I missed every ball that came to me... I chose to laugh, but inside my heart broke knowing that my new reality - and the students just thought I was horrible at the sport.

Well now let me get to the point.... as I will turn 40 in just a few short months, I have felt pretty good over the last year - though I still struggle at times with my "normal MS" things - I have felt good so I started running - in fact I did two 5Ks this year.... they were my best times (post MS of course - since I won't let myself compare the before and after times because it makes me sad).  I even completed on in CO a mile above sea level - under 40 minutes (runners please don't laugh at my time) for me - it was a huge victory - I almost cried as I crossed the finish line - it felt so amazing to achieve that - a reminder that God is so good!  Thank you IT3 5Kers for encouraging me, supporting me, running next to me, and being a huge part of redeeming my 30s

It gets better - this winter I was asked by a friend to play in a 30 plus women's soccer league - I haven't played indoor soccer since I lived in Clearfield - so I thought this could be interesting!  I am tired and out of shape for sure... I sometimes start running to the ball and run into the opponent because I am unable to stop - I get schooled by the "young" fit ones..... but I am playing!!! I am part of a team again for the first time in a very long time.... I know it may sound dumb to get so excited but to me, this is huge!  I am competing!  I scored a goal last week and in my heart I felt like I had just won a medal - seriously people.... my heart is full!

I am not sure how long my body will last or when my next relapse will be, but I do know this, I feel great, and for today I will celebrate, Celebrate the good days and get through the bad.  I will thank God that he has given me an opportunity to do something I love - be part of a team.  Like I said - I am not a soccer all-star - but I am part of a team - I am exercising again and I am blessed!

Thank you Moonshine Team for welcoming this old, broken down lady to your team,,,, you have made my heart full and helped be a huge part of redeeming my 30s.

Bracelets for MS

I am so blessed to have wonderful friends in my life.  One of those wonderful friends is my college roommate Christie Hubner.   We lived next to each other freshman year and had to remain on campus over fall break - we were the only ones left on the floor so we spent a lot of time together and realized that we had many great things in common - such as our musical tastes, our love for the outdoors and our distain for pink (now we both have little girls, so we are learning to deal with that one).  Needless to say that year was the beginning of a great friendship.  Throughout college we would often run together - however she would always say that I was the runner and she was just coming along.  Now the tides have turned and she is the triatholon runner and the fitness guru as I at most times must sit back and walk.

Every since I was diagnosed with MS Christie has made a commitment to walk in the Frederick Maryland MS Walk in honor of me.  I am so blessed by her acts of kindness and her care for me.  This year Christie decided to use her talents as she raises funds for her MS walk.  She has created this bracelet to raise money for MS research.  The cost of the bracelet is 7.00 and all the funds go towards the MS walk.  I love how she chose a simple yet unique design - I have already worn mine several times and I love it!  It is made with orange string which is the color that represents the MS Society movement.

If you would like to order one and support the MS walk - just let me know no later than April 7th.  You can give the money to me and I will be sure to submit it with the order I place that day.

Thanks for your support of this great cause!

The Highs and Lows of Steroids

Catchy title isn't it...just a bit of a disclaimer before I go any further...I can just imagine what is going through some people's heads right now. Steroids - how could Jana talk about the benefits of steroids as a former coach and health educator, and especially with the olympics going on and all the testing that occurs there....well - I am talking about Solumedral which is an IV steroid used to treat MS symptoms, so don't worry it is legit!

Now that we are all on the same page let's talk about the highs and lows.

Highs

• 1. I get stronger without having to do a single push-up, sit-up, or walk about the block
  
• 2. I will hopefully feel good for almost a month afterwards if all goes as planned!
• 3. I get to spend time with the nurses in the infusion section of the hospital and they are pretty fun, and they think I am important because I am on the radio!
• 4. Contact work from the couch - I have seen more kids in one day here on the couch than I have seen all week. It is a great ministry tool and there are some great stories to tell.
• 5. I am not sure I can think of a fifth one but it seems to be a good number to end on, so yeah if you have an idea for number five you can post it as a comment. Interactive blogging - I love it - and all because of steroids.

Lows

• 1. Getting the IV - is let's just say awful - it took 1.5 hours to get an IV to work for me today - I am not exaggerating. After 4 IV tries and 4 IV nummer shots let's just say I was about to throw up or pass out, it was so bad that my friend Miss Karen had to leave the room. Then to top it off they were moving the needle around while it was still in my arm - let's just say that I did not like that at all.
• 2. Five days of treatment that make me very sick at times. YUCK!!!!
• 3. Not wanting to eat for days and then when I am hungry and try to eat something I get really sick to my stomach
• 4. Having to back out of previous commitments - ughh I just hate to do that - I had so many things planned - one of which was a weekend sleepover for my niece Kamryn - she was so excited to come and stay over, then a picnic for my friend, and a birthday party for my nephew Hayes - he's going to be two!
• 5. Roid Rage - and yes that does really exist and it is not fun - just stay away from me on day five and six. Unless of course you want to be entertained by my emotional roller coaster and rage exibits.
• 6. Not sleeping - so yeah - hence why I am exhausted and up typing a blog when I should be sleeping - this is so frustrating to me. Especially since my hands feel like crap!
• 7. Loneliness - realizing how lonely it can be during the times when people have left and you are just overwhelmed with this feeling of being alone. Silly especially since I have been so blessed to have so many people stop by and offer to help.

So I am going to try one more time to go to bed, but before I do I want to share a picture, Exibit A - and give a shout out to Richard - the IV specialist at Evan hospital - thanks for getting the IV in and doing it in one try! You are my hero for the day! Check out his handy work!

Too Close to home

There are so many other topics that I wish I could write about....but it seems that this is the one that is keeping me up as we speak so I will do a late night vent... today I got a call from a good friend of mine letting me know that he was in the hospital, I was surprised but I didn't think too much of it until I talked to his wife and she told me why he was there....at the time of my call he was getting prepped for a spinal tap - YUCK! But the reason for getting one was all too close to home. He had lost all the feeling in his arms and his hands....and when they did his MRI they found a lesion on his spine....the possibilities are a tumor, which they think they may have ruled out...or MS but they won't know anything until tomorrow.

I was able to go and spend the afternoon with them...I answered a lot of questions, hopefully accurately, but also very factually....I didn't want to tell him the hard truth of the disease before he even knew what it was, but I just gave some general stuff to help educate them.

However, as I lay here in bed tonight and I can't sleep because my shot is kicking my butt and my body feels like it has been through the mill, I just want to cry and beg God to spare my friend....I don't want him to have to go through this...he has a wife and four kids, and that would just suck.... my heart breaks for him. I just wish I could take it all away for him.

I have so many thoughts going through my head right now, thoughts of what to say - thinking back to what I wanted people to say to me, thoughts of how to pray....when I just want God to heal his body so he doesn't have to deal with this, thoughts of frustration, thoughts of sadness, and thoughts of fear because I find myself incapable of looking at situation and not thinking about mine, which leads me to thoughts of selfishness...why does it have to come back to me...this is not about me...its about my friend...and this disease that has no rhyme or reason...please pray for my friend Todd...pray for quick accurate results, pray for comfort for his wife and kids, pray for God to heal his body and return the feeling to his hands.

One thing that I do know as does my friend Todd, that God will get us through even the hardest of times, and he will use hardships to make us stronger and to bring people closer to Himself.

Who is this Me?

This week has been one of the toughest weeks I have had in a long time. I have really struggled with my health this week, which in turn has set off my emotional health as well. I am not sure how to deal with all of this, so for me when I get overwhelmed or consumed by something, I tend to write. But I am going to be honest, I don't usually let anyone read what I have written. However I feel as though I have struggled to put into words how I am dealing with my MS, so tonight as I laid here once again consumed by my fears and worries, I found myself writing for the first time since I have been diagnosed.... so here it is

Who is this Me?

Written 6/27/08

This disease called MS is ruining my me…

It’s sucking my life out, why can’t you see….

The thoughts that are raging and consuming my mind

Are irrational, cynical, angry, and mostly unkind

It’s like a war that raging from deep down inside

The pain and burning does not seem to want to subside

There are days filled with energy that seem to be so good

But they are hardly remembered, although they sure should

They should be my focus on the really bad days

But when bad days come, they are but a haze.

I am tired of dealing with this, and it’s just been a year

I feel as though I have lost myself, and that is what I fear.

The fears consume me; they seem to rupture my soul

The tears rush like rivers, drowning out all my goals.

I had different plans God – why can’t you see

This disease is destroying this person I call me

Who is me anymore, or dare do I ask

I am not even sure; it’s like wearing a mask

I am empty, I am broken, I am just a big mess

All I want is to be me, and that would be a success

But now the question is back to square one

Who is this me, to this question I succumb…

Who is this me that I search for, is there even a hope

I struggle to find out the answers, Lord please help me cope

You see I know all the answers, I have the degree

But it doesn’t take away the memories of the old me.

I should put things in the past, most people would say

And put on a smile, and celebrate this brand new day

The advice sounds legit a good place to start

But how do you begin to overcome the funeral in my heart.

Right now in the midst of this troublesome time

I must cling to the hope that only in Him I can find

The me that I long for, I may never again know

But I am sure the Great Healer will stand my side as I go

This is a comfort, but truly honest I must be

That when life’s filled with darkness His light’s hard to see

So right now as I wrestle, with the thoughts of despair

I get by with the promise that God will always be there

Although this storm, seems to be wrecking my well planned out life

I cling to the promise that I will never be left out of His sight

Lord, I need you to hold me, to get me through this life’s storm

Show me a new me, one to which you will form

Form me into a servant; give me a heart that will love

Show me new ways to show your mercy, ways that comes from above.

And now as I rest, hold me tight in your arms

For only You can give shelter in the midst of the storms