Being in a helping profession I find myself at times burdened by the choices of other people. I feel a heavy heart for them and a burden to pray. I am so thankful God has given me a heart for people, but there are times when it can be overwhelming as you look into their lives and see the hurt, the pain and the choices. It breaks my heart... but if my heart is this broken, imagine the level of hurt the Lord feels as we watches his children struggle.
I also struggle to know my role. This was definitely a struggle while we were away last year in Romania, but honestly I think it is an underlying struggle that has continued to lay heavy on my heart. There are days in my quest to know what I am called to do that I flourish.... but there are also days in the journey that I just want to "pack my bags" and move on to something new.
I struggle with being overly sensitive.... I know that there are times when people say and do things that aren't meant to hurt, but they seem to anyway. Times that I work really hard on something just to have it brushed aside.... or thrown out. I wish I wasn't so sensitive.... I wish I could just let things roll off my back like so many other. I was just thinking last night... I probably should never write that book that I have been thinking about, because I will never be able to handle the critiquing that comes along with it. I guess my hard outside shell can't always protect my ultra sensitive core of who I am.
I wonder sometimes if this is God's way of teaching me something.... I also wonder if it is God's way of answering my prayers to continue to drawn me into a closer relationship with him. A relationship of being more than doing, a relationship of trusting and relying on Him instead of me calling the shots. A relationship of brokenness turned to beauty. A relationship of being loved unconditionally without me having to do anything - ANYTHING to earn his love.
So today I will be reminded of these truths to claim as I struggle to not feel defeated:
1. "I am fearfully and wonderfully made"- he gave me a heart to care for people, he allowed me to be sensitive (though I do know I am at times overly sensitive).
2. "God is my refuge and strength" - He is all I need to weather the storms of my life. I need nothing else.
3. He has a plan for me. His plan is perfect and I claim that promise today! He created me to be a reflection of Him and that is how I must define success.
4. "Holy and Blameless" - Because of the cross - I am Holy and Blameless. This one I struggle with an 18 inch problem (the distance from my head to my heart).... I know it to be true in my head, but I struggle to live it and experience it in my heart. Today I will claim it!
5. "Be still and know that I am God" - He's got this.... now I need to rest in Him and his promises! I give up trying to do for others on my own strength..... today let me be reminded to just BE forgiven, BE loved, and BE still in the presence of the creator.