Friday, April 09, 2010

Saying Goodbye

The post that follows is the entry that I wrote for my other blog today, I thought that I would share it here as well.

It was just two short weeks ago that we knew for sure that we were expecting. I can't tell you how excited we were....to think in December our world would change completely as we became parents. One week had passed and my body knew I was pregnant - I had morning sickness (or all day sickness) I didn't really want to eat, but the thoughts of the future helped me through. As people found out we were even more excited. So many people encouraged us as they told us what great parents we would be - that to me was such a huge compliment! Making me all the more excited! My family started offering me baby clothes, furniture, and all those other things that you need but don't realize.

Wednesday of last week, I was pretty sick - I was in bed all day not wanting to eat, just wanting to lay with my eyes closed, we prayed that night for the baby and for a better day the next day. Joel was so cute as he prayed for our little baby being formed inside me.

The next day I woke up and felt better, still nauseous but it was more tolerable than the day before which was good because I was beginning my first day of teaching at EJ (I am doing a long term sub in the Phys Ed department) As the day went on and I was learning the ropes I started to feel a little crampy, but still nothing strange. By lunch I was beginning to worry when I realized that I was bleeding. The doctor was called, I left school and began the longest four hours of my life!

After tests, blood work, ultrasounds they determined that I had a miscarriage. I was trying so hard to hold it together...since I had to sit in the waiting room for so long, but I just wanted to go home at that point....my heart was crushed. How could I have gotten so attached in one short week. Not only did I feel I lost the baby, but I felt as though I lost my dream - it was so overwhelming.

Now as I sit here and write, one week later, I can't hold back the tears....the hurt is still here, and I am guessing that it will be for a while. I know that time brings healing, I can feel it already, but I also know that I will not forget our little one, that I will one day meet him in one of the many rooms in God's Big House (you almost have to start singing Big House now! That always brings me a smile)

Last Thursday was Maundy Thursday - in some ways it was so symbolic of God's sadness - but in others it was just hard for additional reasons - three years ago on the same day I was diagnosed with MS. As I sat in the hospital I said to Joel - don't I have enough of a story to tell, do I really need more hardship as part of my testimony. To that he said, I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I am so tired of handling things!

Just as we were blessed with an abundance of people who loved on us and congratulated us, we have been equally blessed by people who have loved us, prayed for us, called us, send cards to us, and even the family that I don't even know that sent us a single rose to remember our little one. We really are blessed and loved!

One of the biggest things I have learned this week - we all grieve differently! I have counseled so many through the grieving process, but it seems so different when it is yourself. I have learned I am a silent griever....I need time, I am not really one who wants to talk a lot about it. I like to keep myself busy, but then allow time for me to deal with my emotions. My friend said the night would be the hardest and she was right - it is the hardest! When I process things, I like to write, but it often takes me some time to actually be able to articulate what I am feeling and what I am thinking. I also like to have my space, tonight Joel is away and it is my first chance to be alone since the miscarriage, and so I made my playlist of reflective (or sad) music and have just thought and cried about life, loss, and where to go from here.

Another thing that I did that seemed to help was to get some tulips to plant in memory of our little one. I am guessing that orange would have been their favorite color since I felt drawn to get orange flowers, the flower that was sent to us was orange, and someone left a pot of orange tulips on our steps the other day. It may have been a coincidence, but I like to think it was a God incidence - God shining his love on us through our short time of pregnancy.

If you are still reading you must be brave, as I mentioned when I started this blog I was going to be raw and honest....boy I had no idea what I saying! Another thing I mentioned was that I was hoping that this would always point to God....I know God has a plan and purpose for all things....I am not sure what that is, but there is comfort in knowing that, but comfort doesn't remove the hurt, it just give security to know that the one who creates life is the one who walks through life with me. Although I am not yet at a place that I can feel God's peacefully, I know that it is promised to me, and God never breaks a promise. I am trusting that each day will get easier, and each day God will reveal his "unexpected Joy" I claim that promise as I write!!!

The last thing that I want to write before I close this epilogue (is that even the right word? well actually I don't care if it is or not, I am going to use it) I want to write about Joel in closing. From the moment that we found out we were expecting, my husband wanted to be sure people were praying for me and the baby because of the high risk. He prayed for us every night. After he shared our news at church Pastor Paul said he thought Joel would be one of the greatest Dads. I don't think that was just a nice thing to say, I think he meant it, and one thing I can say is that Joel was a great Dad, for one week he prayed for the baby, he cared for me - he even cleaned the litter box (so you know he was going above and beyond). On the way to the hospital he prayed, he made calls, he intersected my calls, he was selfless! He just kept saying, tell me what you need and I will do it, and he did! I can't think of any other person that I would want to walk through this with, he is a great husband, dad, and man of God!

I will close with the words of this song - that brings me joy in my sadness - "I will sing of your mercies that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of Joy" - Jars of Clay, Valley Song

I will keep singing, I will keep trusting and I will keep hoping! Romans 12:12 says, "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer" Lord help me to be such things!

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jana thanks for sharing your heart. I cried - somethings do not make sense - if there stars in our crown for experencing hardships you will have millions of them. Blessings to you Sylvia

Joel Snyder said...

To my beautiful wife, Jana,
While I will never fully understand all that has happened over the last days, I am trying ans I will "never leave you"! What honoring words you have written and I pray that I can always be the person who will laugh and cry with you. It is indeed a honor to be your husband!

Michele said...

I just love you Jana. I am so not good with words of comfort. I have been where you are, but like you said we all handle it differently. I keep thinking our children are together in Heaven and it gives me a measure of peace. No, you will never forget, but I pray you will have the solace you are seeking. I know you will. I also pray you and Joel get to make the pregnancy announcement and later birth announcement that will bring a second dose of happiness for you.

Michele

Beth said...

How blessed this world is to have you & your beautiful spirit - looking forward to seeing the wonderful things god has in store! I'm so grateful to have you in my life!! Love u

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing this, Jana! When we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be!! You and Joel are amazing people of God and I know he will bring you through this season of life!! Joy will come in the morning!! Blessings for you both!!

Anonymous said...

You are inspiring and so much braver than some of us. When we lost our baby I just wanted to curl up.Your vulnerability and desire to speak will work in your spirit and will impact so many. It is when we are at our lowest that God shines through. 21 years later I can assure you that your story will continue and your dear baby will dance in Heaven on the day of your arrival.I pray that the two of you will be comforted daily by the Great Comforter-humans have a huge capacity for love and comfort but when the emptiness is so great only the God who formed you can fill that empty spot. We all love you and admire your courage is telling us your heart.

Karen said...

What powerful words you have written Jana. I am constantly in awe of your gift of word...and HIS word. Although we have known you longer than Joel, we know that for you to found each other means he is an amazing person as well. And yes...you will both make fantastic parents. Any child will be so blessed in your home!

Anonymous said...

The tulips were not coincident. I knew it would bring some sunshine just like your little one did for one week. He will someday make you smile again. You will find JOY in the memory of March 25 to April 1, 2010. You are now changed. God is shaping you into the person He wants you to be for His glory. Yes, it's hard to accept the path He has laid for you. You have the hope you need to get thru. Hold onto that hope when the tears stream and they don't seem like they are going to stop. Tears are a way of knowing that you have loved deeply.

Pick an orange tulip on a warm sunny day. Find a quiet lake and lay in the grass. Love on your Jesus. I am praying for you and Joel.

Catherine said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Jana and Joel. Even though you are a "silent griever," as the news of your experience spreads, you'll discover just how many women have had this experience. They're the ones who don't say the dumb stuff.

I disagree that God doesn't give people more than they can handle. The news every day tells of people who have cracked from stress. God doesn't give people more than he'll help them carry--that's the important news for mankind.

Again, I'm terribly sorry.

Lorraine said...

Jana I only just me you this past weekend, but your sincere heart of trust in Jesus is so brilliantly on display. I cried reading your blog. I pray God will soon reward your confidence in His plan with the desire of your heart. Man, what a man you have! And you both serve an awesome God. Knowing your recent loss makes your work as emcee this weekend even more inspiring. God bless you, sister. I love you.