Sunshine on a cloudy day

I just looked got back from an appointment and it is once again raining in Central PA - if you aren't from here it seems as though this is the norm.... cloudy, dreary, wet, sloppy... I am sure I could ask the local weather expert (Joel Sny the Weather guy) for some other fun descriptive words, but needless to say the weather reminds me of how I have been feeling over the last several months.... a dark cloud of pain, frustration, sadness, confusion had consumed me and I would be lying if I did say it consumed me.

BUT, (one of my favorite words in the bible, I call it a holy but because when it is used it mean that something good is coming) in the midst of the rainy season, there is sunshine, there is hope, and there are reminders of God's goodness.  This week for the first time in months I have felt a little better!  I have had some relieve from the anxiety portion and that my friends is something to celebrate.  I went the whole week without having a panic attack or crying.... (that is being very transparent) the doctor and I talked about this on Thursday and he asked how I was before this whole thing started as far as being emotional, I responded I have always been the tough girl kind, not a lot of tears, not a lot of emotion, more of a doer type/a thinker..... then he said just listening to me talk I sounded lighter and not as burdened - Very True!!  It is a like a cloud has been lifted.... I can't explain it, but I love that there has been some freedom in this area.

My sunshine package from the Zagames

There have been some great moments of sunshine this week for me.  First of all I finished up the school year which is a major accomplishment with all that I have been through the last few months.  I have had some great surprises in the mail.... first from the Zagame Family who sent me a box filled with yellow sunshine themed goodies!  Thank you so much for your kindness - it meant so much to me that you would do that for me.  Then I got a care package and a card from my friends at Group Mission Trips.... I felt so loved that they would take the time to do that for me, especially after having to cancel out on doing a camp for them this year because of my health - let's just say that was a very difficult decision.  Then Jackie Matter and her girls showed up several days and weeded my flower beds and my garden..... I was even able to get my beans planted before the rain (hopefully they don't get too much rain).  Christianna Maurer, Sandy Sieber, and Melissa Erdman have all dropped off  meals that are my crazy diet approved - they have been delicious and was a much appreciated surprises after a long days of inservice meetings. Another glimpse of sunshine was being able to actually play and sing for worship band this week for church.  It was still a bit taxing on my body with all my adrenal issues but it was so nice to be part of the band and lead singing on one of my new favorite songs - Is He Worthy by Andrew Peterson.

My care package from Group Mission Trips

So as far as an update is concerned, I did have an appointment this week and we reviewed my latest bloodwork and was able to ask my list of questions.  The conversation started with addressing the great improvements in the panic/anxiety area and as we were talking the doctor said to me, You know I really feel like God is going to use this part of your story to really help people,  and share how you got through this dark time in your life.... I responded that I feel like God already has started using it... and I am not even through it!  How cool is that my doctor said that!  Anyway, so my bloodwork just confirmed some things that we already knew... Mast Cell Activation causing Extreme Adrenal Fatigue and Extreme Gastritis which is causing my body to fill with Histamines (that is my basic diagnosis, though it is a little rough when your doctor uses the word extreme to describe all your symptoms).  Anyway, the bloodwork showed that my body has created an anti-body to B12 (that's not good by the way) so my body is attacking the one thing that I really need to get better.   He added one more supplement and suggested I get my B12 shot as soon as possible to try to keep as much B12 in my system as possible while trying to stop the antibody.  Not sure if any of that makes sense but basically my body is working against itself - so we have to calm all this down to help it function properly.   

So what does that mean as far as how I feel and what I can do.... well in a nutshell; I am still restricted greatly on what I can eat - no gluten, no dairy, no soy, no sugar, low histamine diet - for lack of a better word.... it sucks and at times it makes me want to cry - the most difficult part is the low histamine foods (no strawberries, spinach, vinegar (ps every dressing and condiment has vinegar) no lunch meat or processed meats, no cashews or walnuts, no fermented foods, etc).  I still taking about 30 supplements a day as well as two powder drinks to help my body recover, but I am able to now just take a half of a pill (actual medication) to help with my brain health - but it also helps me to sleep soundly, now I just have to take my anxiety meds as needed instead of daily which I had been doing for the last two months.  I am still tired a lot (but I have to remember my Epstein Barr was super high - aka Mono) and my adrenal system likes to go into fight or flight just by carrying a basket of laundry to the laundry room, but I have learned when I feel that racing feeling in my body, I must just sit down, let it calm down, and then try again.  Still no exercise but I can try to do short walks close to home unless I feel the racing then I need to rest.  My throat still feels tight and gets filled with histamines on and off throughout the day, but I am learning some tricks to help that and now that I understand what is happening I definitely panic less as I know my stomach and adrenals are not playing nicely with my body.

My doctor has mentioned the words months lately as a reference to when I should be feeling more normal.... I pray that it will happen more quickly than a few months, but as I wait and as I deal with the symptoms I will celebrate the improvements and celebrate God's faithfulness.  He has walked with me through this dark challenging season, He has provided great encouragement for me along the journey.  He has blessed me with an amazing group of friends who have called, written, texted or just stopped in to help me and visit me - I can't thank you enough!  It seems lately every time I turn on the radio the song by Josh Baldwin called Stand in Love is playing - the Lyrics say, my fear doesn't stand a chance when I stand in your love.  That is my prayer daily that I would stand in his love and be reminded that this is his battle and not mine to fight.  I will rest in that! 

When darkness tries to roll over my bones

When sorrow comes to steal the joy I own

When brokenness and pain is all I know

Oh, I won't be shaken, no, I won't be shaken

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love!

Shame no longer has a place to hide

I am not a captive to the lies

I'm not afraid to leave my past behind

Oh, I won't be shaken, no, I won't be shaken!

'Cause my fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love!

Oh, I'm standing

There's power that can break off every chain

There's power that can empty out a grave

There's resurrection power that can save

There's power in Your name, power in Your name

There's power that can break off every chain

There's power that can empty out a grave

There's resurrection power that can save

There's power in Your name, power in Your name!

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love!

Oh when, when I'm standing in Your love

Oh, my fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love!

Oh, oh-oh, I'm standing in Your love

I stand in Your love

Standing on the rock

Oh, I'm standing, standing in Your love