Sunshine on a cloudy day

I just looked got back from an appointment and it is once again raining in Central PA - if you aren't from here it seems as though this is the norm.... cloudy, dreary, wet, sloppy... I am sure I could ask the local weather expert (Joel Sny the Weather guy) for some other fun descriptive words, but needless to say the weather reminds me of how I have been feeling over the last several months.... a dark cloud of pain, frustration, sadness, confusion had consumed me and I would be lying if I did say it consumed me.

BUT, (one of my favorite words in the bible, I call it a holy but because when it is used it mean that something good is coming) in the midst of the rainy season, there is sunshine, there is hope, and there are reminders of God's goodness.  This week for the first time in months I have felt a little better!  I have had some relieve from the anxiety portion and that my friends is something to celebrate.  I went the whole week without having a panic attack or crying.... (that is being very transparent) the doctor and I talked about this on Thursday and he asked how I was before this whole thing started as far as being emotional, I responded I have always been the tough girl kind, not a lot of tears, not a lot of emotion, more of a doer type/a thinker..... then he said just listening to me talk I sounded lighter and not as burdened - Very True!!  It is a like a cloud has been lifted.... I can't explain it, but I love that there has been some freedom in this area.

My sunshine package from the Zagames

There have been some great moments of sunshine this week for me.  First of all I finished up the school year which is a major accomplishment with all that I have been through the last few months.  I have had some great surprises in the mail.... first from the Zagame Family who sent me a box filled with yellow sunshine themed goodies!  Thank you so much for your kindness - it meant so much to me that you would do that for me.  Then I got a care package and a card from my friends at Group Mission Trips.... I felt so loved that they would take the time to do that for me, especially after having to cancel out on doing a camp for them this year because of my health - let's just say that was a very difficult decision.  Then Jackie Matter and her girls showed up several days and weeded my flower beds and my garden..... I was even able to get my beans planted before the rain (hopefully they don't get too much rain).  Christianna Maurer, Sandy Sieber, and Melissa Erdman have all dropped off  meals that are my crazy diet approved - they have been delicious and was a much appreciated surprises after a long days of inservice meetings. Another glimpse of sunshine was being able to actually play and sing for worship band this week for church.  It was still a bit taxing on my body with all my adrenal issues but it was so nice to be part of the band and lead singing on one of my new favorite songs - Is He Worthy by Andrew Peterson.

My care package from Group Mission Trips

So as far as an update is concerned, I did have an appointment this week and we reviewed my latest bloodwork and was able to ask my list of questions.  The conversation started with addressing the great improvements in the panic/anxiety area and as we were talking the doctor said to me, You know I really feel like God is going to use this part of your story to really help people,  and share how you got through this dark time in your life.... I responded that I feel like God already has started using it... and I am not even through it!  How cool is that my doctor said that!  Anyway, so my bloodwork just confirmed some things that we already knew... Mast Cell Activation causing Extreme Adrenal Fatigue and Extreme Gastritis which is causing my body to fill with Histamines (that is my basic diagnosis, though it is a little rough when your doctor uses the word extreme to describe all your symptoms).  Anyway, the bloodwork showed that my body has created an anti-body to B12 (that's not good by the way) so my body is attacking the one thing that I really need to get better.   He added one more supplement and suggested I get my B12 shot as soon as possible to try to keep as much B12 in my system as possible while trying to stop the antibody.  Not sure if any of that makes sense but basically my body is working against itself - so we have to calm all this down to help it function properly.   

So what does that mean as far as how I feel and what I can do.... well in a nutshell; I am still restricted greatly on what I can eat - no gluten, no dairy, no soy, no sugar, low histamine diet - for lack of a better word.... it sucks and at times it makes me want to cry - the most difficult part is the low histamine foods (no strawberries, spinach, vinegar (ps every dressing and condiment has vinegar) no lunch meat or processed meats, no cashews or walnuts, no fermented foods, etc).  I still taking about 30 supplements a day as well as two powder drinks to help my body recover, but I am able to now just take a half of a pill (actual medication) to help with my brain health - but it also helps me to sleep soundly, now I just have to take my anxiety meds as needed instead of daily which I had been doing for the last two months.  I am still tired a lot (but I have to remember my Epstein Barr was super high - aka Mono) and my adrenal system likes to go into fight or flight just by carrying a basket of laundry to the laundry room, but I have learned when I feel that racing feeling in my body, I must just sit down, let it calm down, and then try again.  Still no exercise but I can try to do short walks close to home unless I feel the racing then I need to rest.  My throat still feels tight and gets filled with histamines on and off throughout the day, but I am learning some tricks to help that and now that I understand what is happening I definitely panic less as I know my stomach and adrenals are not playing nicely with my body.

My doctor has mentioned the words months lately as a reference to when I should be feeling more normal.... I pray that it will happen more quickly than a few months, but as I wait and as I deal with the symptoms I will celebrate the improvements and celebrate God's faithfulness.  He has walked with me through this dark challenging season, He has provided great encouragement for me along the journey.  He has blessed me with an amazing group of friends who have called, written, texted or just stopped in to help me and visit me - I can't thank you enough!  It seems lately every time I turn on the radio the song by Josh Baldwin called Stand in Love is playing - the Lyrics say, my fear doesn't stand a chance when I stand in your love.  That is my prayer daily that I would stand in his love and be reminded that this is his battle and not mine to fight.  I will rest in that! 

When darkness tries to roll over my bones

When sorrow comes to steal the joy I own

When brokenness and pain is all I know

Oh, I won't be shaken, no, I won't be shaken

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love!

Shame no longer has a place to hide

I am not a captive to the lies

I'm not afraid to leave my past behind

Oh, I won't be shaken, no, I won't be shaken!

'Cause my fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love!

Oh, I'm standing

There's power that can break off every chain

There's power that can empty out a grave

There's resurrection power that can save

There's power in Your name, power in Your name

There's power that can break off every chain

There's power that can empty out a grave

There's resurrection power that can save

There's power in Your name, power in Your name!

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love!

Oh when, when I'm standing in Your love

Oh, my fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love!

Oh, oh-oh, I'm standing in Your love

I stand in Your love

Standing on the rock

Oh, I'm standing, standing in Your love

From the Mouth of A Child

This was when I could actually eat cheesecake!

As you can imagine the last four months have taken a toll on me as a wife but also has a mom.... it is so difficult to drum up energy to play and enjoy time with my very active 7 year old when I feel as though I have been hit by a car.

Last night we were in our jammies at 5:30 and snuggling on the couch (because that is what I had the energy for).  As I started to braid her hair, I commented that it had been a long time since I had braided her hair and she said, it's because you have been in the hospital so much.   I guess my three trips to the ER have made an impact on her, but she also may be thinking that every time I went to the doctor it was a trip to the hospital.

When Ella sees me struggling, she will often come up and give me a hug and pray for me on the spot, that does my heart good to know that my child is praying for me.  I think if I hadn't been crying already I would have started the first time she prayed for me.

Every morning before school Ella would help me get out my supplements for the day.... I wrote how many of each on the top of each bottle and she counts them out and she makes me my Relax Max Drink while Joel makes my smoothie.  The only down side to it is the a few of the lids are the same size and they may or may not have been switched last night - but I caught it after just one day of take an extra B vitamin or two.

We have had to do life a little different the last few months.  I have missed some of her games and activities which I hate to do, but she has handled it as well as possible.  We have eaten supper on the couch a lot, we have watched a lot of Tiny House shows, and played a lot of Rack-O - but for such a time as this.... this is what we do to get by.

On good days we go outside and I sit on the chair and she plays, and helps me in the garden.  Now I don't want to paint a picture that it is always daisies and roses, because it surely is not.... we struggle I struggle to be patient, I struggle to be energetic and Ella struggles to be understanding, and struggles to not complain about not being able to do something she wants to do.

All this to say - I am so thankful for my little family and all they have done for me.  God knew that I would need them and I have needed them and continue to need them to help me walk through this journey.  When I don't feel like I have much to be thankful for..... I am reminded I am blessed beyond measure with a family who loves me and I count that as a true blessing from God!

So thankful for these two blessings!!!

For Better or Worse

This morning as I struggled to get out of bed, I noticed the smell of something cooking in the kitchen along with the rumble of the Ninja (which is out smoothie machine).... as I stubbled to the kitchen after my shower I found my husband busy in the kitchen cooking chicken and making my daily smoothie will with my newly approved foods.  But the chicken had me stumped.... so I asked what is that for?  His reply.... I knew you would need something you could eat for lunch today so I thought I would make you some chicken!  You see we have some great leftovers in the fridge but leftovers from more than a day contain histamines and I can't have histamines.  So packing approved lunches has been a struggle, going out to eat has been a struggle, having energy to cook has been a struggle.... but my dear husband has recognized how challenging things are.... he recognizes the moments in the day that cause stress or cause me to feel flustered and he steps in..... as has Ella (but I will save that for another post)

My family has sacrificed a lot over the past months and they have picked up my slack.  They have done extra chores, cleaning, laundry, planting, watering.... but the best part of what they have done is they have rested with me.  They have snuggled on the couch after a long day when I have no energy left and we watch Tiny Houses and talk about whether or not we could live in one... Ella is sure that we could... and then I remind her that she would have to get rid of ALOT of her toys and dolls.... then she quickly changes her mind. 

I know on our wedding day, we didn't say the traditional vows, but on our wedding day - I know we promised each other to be partners in life, whatever life brings.  My husband has done that - in more ways that I can count.  I don't know how long this will continue, but one thing I can be sure of is that I have a man who will walk through it with me, and when I feel hopeless or I feel alone, I am reminded that God is near because he has used my husband daily to show me just that.

I know Joel's love language is not words of affirmation, but to me part of my daily reminders is to find things to be thankful for in the midst of feeling crappy - and today I am reminded how thankful I am for my Husband especially!!!!  Joel Wade Snyder - thank you for being the hands and feet of Christ in my life!  I love you to infinity and beyond..... plus one!

"A Cord of three strands it not easily broken" Ecc. 4:12

A look in the Mirror

Over the last few weeks I have heard many comments and compliments about how much weight I have lost (close to 40 pounds, and yes I know that is a lot)  My husband has told me how good I look on numerous occasions, people have said wow - you look great..... but to be honest, I look in the mirror and my eyes fill with tears... I see beyond what the scale says, I look and see the fear of the uncertainty, I see the fatigue that holds on like a vengeance, I see the void of laughter and joy that I so desperately long to experience.... I see someone who is struggling to me a teacher, a mom, and a wife... but also struggling to cling cling to the promise that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  You see in the midst of this physical battle, and emotional and spiritual battle is ever present and plagues my heart daily.  I know much of it is caused directly by my condition, yet it is a struggle none the less.  Things that never caused me stress before, now send my adrenaline racing.  Conflict with my child causes me to go from calm to calamity in seconds, and my level of sensitivity to my husband's volume or tone has skyrocketed.  So that is what I see when I look into that mirror.  Today I forced myself to repeat that I was fearfully and wonderfully made.  I was reminded that mirror may reflect the fear, hurt, and fatigue; but it also reflects the image barrier of God, to which I will cling to and remind myself of daily.  Tomorrow my mirror with be covered with reminders of that (that is if I have enough energy tonight lol)


While writing these last two blog post has been therapeutic, as it helped me to put words to the journey that I have been on, it is also quite difficult.   I was planning to write this post last week after my doctor's appointment as I knew that many people were asking about my appointment and praying for answers and clarity to what was going on.  However, the last few days have been a struggle and as I think about what is wrong, and how long the process may be, I get overwhelmed, and just curl up in a ball and cry..... it's not that the diagnosis is that awful, it's more of the fact that I have been so tired for so long and felt so sick in many ways that I just want to get well....immediately - and I know that in this journey, there is not much that has been immediate.  It makes me wonder if I at some point have prayed or asked God to help me with my patience - lol! 

So the long and the short of it is this...... my 5 day steroid treatment basically completely shut down my immune system and in the process, two viruses that were dormant in my body took off and multiplied.  One was the Epstein Barr virus (also known as Mono) my number was to be below 1.0 and when checked the number was 4.7 along with another virus (not sure of what it is but it is also 4.5 instead of a 1.0.  With the viruses going rampant and my immune system being compromised it has caused my adrenal system to have an overreaction, my anxiety to run wild, and for a Mast Cell Activation to occur.  And along with this my body is releasing histamine, which now adds another set of restrictions to my diet, along with no gluten and no dairy.... yes I did cry when he said I couldn't have vinegar for a month - do you realize that everything good has vinegar in it - pickles, ketchup, mustard, salad dressing, marinades, but also I can't have strawberries, spinach, tomatoes, citrus.... Okay now I am just complaining - sorry I just have struggled with the whole food thing.

The good news is that my doctor is confident that I will get better, the issue is that it will take time.  I am now up to about 30 supplements daily as well as two medicines.  I am so thankful for my doctors on this journey.   They have listened to me, dealt patiently with my frustrations with all my bad medicine reactions and they have been so encouraging. 

Am I getting better?  I know that I am in some ways but in each step of the process there are hurdles, and the current hurdle is that I can't really do activity because it causes stress on my body... oh wait... I am supposed to do restorative yoga daily :)  That is a bit challenging but I am thankful for a little yoga buddy who gets down on the floor with me.  The other challenge is that currently I am having swallowing issues, which then leads to panic.  I think it is a combination of the Epstein Barr virus which is making my throat dry and the acid reflux which is causing my throat to feel full and causes swallowing issues.  So if you are willing to pray for that specificially - I would greatly appreciate it.

I had more blood work done on Monday and have a follow up appt. next week.  I know that God has got this.... it is his battle to fight and not mine.... the challenge is to not just know that to be true in my mind, but to trust that in my heart.  God is good, I know he is!  God is with me I know He is!  But my heart is weary and my body is tired.