April 1st Anniversaries

Don't get me wrong, I love a good joke, and playing a harmless prank can be fun and brings joy (most of the time).  However, April fool's day for the last 8 years has had a bit of a different feel to it for me, it was this day 8 years ago that I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.... it was a Maundy Thursday actually that year.... I remember it so well.  It is a memory that just doesn't go away.... I was shocked, devistated, confused, the list of emotions goes on and on.  I wrestled with it, I came to grips with it, and then wrestled with it again with each new flare up.

If I had been writing this post two weeks ago, I would have been able to focus on how well I was managing my disease, how I have felt so good, been exercising a bit, and even played on a ladies indoor soccer team (which was so fun, and just what I needed to feel like an athlete again).  I felt great!  I was losing weight, becoming fit, and managing this disease.

But true to form with MS, you never know when your life will hit a turn in the road, over the last month, my body has endured stress, that though I felt I was managing well, my body was taking the brunt of it.... so one day after arriving in Hungary, I came down with intense vertigo that didn't allow me to leave my bed.... I thought it was jet lag (maybe foolish thinking) but with all my exercises I was trying and the meds that I added in later there was no relieve.... and as we arrived in Romania I found myself in the hospital getting tests and ultimately beginning a round of IV steroids to treat my newest flare up.

In the midst of this disease, I must admit that it has changed me over the past 8 years, whether feeling great (relatively) or laying here in bed recoving from feeling not good at all.....I am a better person today because of this.  Each day I must make a choice, to celebrating the good days, and look for the Hope in the bad.  As much as I hate the disease, I hate how I feel especially the last 10 days, I wouldn't trade it because it has drawn me closer to God, it has made me a better more compassionate person, and it has slowed me down when I need to rest.

In the title you may have noticed it said Anniversaries -plural - Today also marks 5 years since we lost our first little miracle to a miscarriage... 5 years, it seems like so long ago, but then other days it seems like yesterday..... as I look back and remember that day and that month - it was probably one of the hardest things I have had to deal with - I never realized how much it would hurt, but I also hav learned how much God will heal because of it.  How he will bring people to love and encourage you, when you just want to quit, how he will give you comfort when you just want to curl up and cry.  It was hard, very hard, but I have also seen how God has used this part of my story to ministry to so many other women who have journeyed the same road, and how many have done just the same for me.

So my dear little child who is in heaven with Jesus, I love you!  We miss you, but we know that God's plan is perfect.  And each year on this day, we remember you with orange tulips - they remind me of the sunrise, new life, new mercies.... you are a gift that will never be forgotten, and when Ella talks about her big brother and sister.... I just have to smile knowing that she does have one in heaven and for you we are thankful.

So thank you my dear husband for remembering!  And searching the streets of Romania to find me the only bunch of Orange Tulips available... they mean the world to me!  

I close with my life verse.... "Be joyful in Hope, Patient in Affliction, and Faithful in prayer!" Romans 12:12