It's Super Bowl Sunday and we have a full day - good to keep busy when you have a tendency to be consumed by your thoughts but also not good because you never know when your emotions are going to overwhelm you. In all honesty I was afraid to go to church - why you ask? Alot of good intentioned people asking a very guarded processing type of a person a lot of questions all at once - causes me to have an internal meltdown - I was already overwhelmed trying to figure it all out - to have some control over a situation that I have no control over and then on top of it try to teach a Sunday School Class on Raw Emotions - can you see the turmoil I was experiencing on the inside while trying to hold it all together on the outside.
Also I worry - I worry what people think - I was so excited I wanted to post that I found her, not thinking about what others might think or say and then I thought maybe I shouldn't have posted that - then I could work through this on my own and when I had it all figured out I would post all about it.... (reality check - I will never have this all figured out that is why I am me and not God!)
I want to honor both my Moms! I want to honor my siblings both the ones that I grew up with as well as the ones that I just found out that I have! I want everyone to be happy and I like organization - but oh my - how do you organize this! Then I panic - and realize how overwhelmed I am thinking about what this will look like, will we have another family to visit on holidays, will we do gifts, will I call her Nancy or mom - but then how do you call two people mom but yet they both are my moms just different (and if I may kindly insert in here - I am really not looking for any answers to these questions, though I value your thoughts these are all things that I need to work through and come up with answers that work for us! - Thanks for understanding!) I can't explain to you what this all feels like unless you you have been through it yourself and even then - every situation is different.
So Joel found a place for us to meet in Burnam - it was set Monday 11 am in Burnam - Sunday passed - a few meltdowns but was busy enough to make it through. Monday comes things to do but my heart feels like I need to make her a scrapbook - yes that is what I said - scrapbooks take forever to make but I had it in my mind so I decided that was what I was going to do - during nap one for Ella I began looking through all my pictures.... collecting pictures from different events and places in my life. From when they brought me home until just this past Christmas. To me it was theraputic to start looking at my life and what I would want for her to see to show her and experience through my pictures.... nap two I printed some pictures and after dinner I would start the scrapbook. Oh and in the middle of this time - Joel finds out that the place we were going to go and meet was closed until 4:30 - oh no - finally I had gotten used to the idea of where we were meeting I had it all planned out then - wammo - another change.
New location - JP Pancake house 11 am in Mifflintown with Joel and Ella and meeting Nancy!
Back to the scrapbook - thanks to my friend Sheree - we finished 20 some pages in less than 3 hours - it wasn't fancy but it was exactly what I had pictured in my mind and I was so excited to give it to her. As you could imagine my mind was racing as I went to be that night as usual Joel was fast asleep and I laid there thinking what my morning would look like - what I would say and what she would say when we saw each other for the first time.......
Finally fell alseep...... To Be Continued!
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