A reflective serious post

So as much as I was planning to do at least a post every week - life sometimes throws you for a loop. I guess I have been avoiding making posts over the last couple of weeks, because I knew they would not be fun and jovial so I figured I shouldn't write, but the more I sit here on my couch and think about it, the more I realize, that maybe this is the best time to write a blog....so here it is! My blog, you know know this year has been a rough year, much rougher than I could have ever imagined. I never expected to become ill, to recieve the diagnosis of MS or have what I considered a nice normal active life fall completely apart in front of my face.

I have hated this year at times, I have grown immensely this year at times, I have been close to God at times, and I have just yelled at God at times. I laugh and I cry, I reflect and I re-evaluate constantly.

This past month I had another flare up of my MS - not good when your hands don't work, you drop things, you can't type, and it feels like you have your hands inside the oven, which led them to find my newest lesion on my spinal cord - fun stuff - okay not really, but hey I am trying to be positive.

This week I have spent alot of quality time at the hospital making new friends with the infusion department - they are wonderful people and after 5 days of 2 hour steroid IVs you get to know them pretty well. Some people love steroids because it gives them energy - me....not so much - I get sick - dizzy ill and I can't sleep, not to forget the great side effects of emotional roller coasters and "roid rage" don't worry I have yet to beat up anyone today anyway.

Despite not sleeping and spending the week on the couch I was able to accomplish alot of stuff - delegation is my new favorite thing! I also got to hang out with alot of my kids as they came over to help out and play with my new puppy Tucker.

The down fall to the whole thing is that despite feeling loved and having company there is still this feeling of being alone in this whole thing - that is rough - now again - this is probably my steroids talking for me - but it is hard to sit here alone when your family is all together celebrating your nephews first birthday - that really stinks. Or all your friends are out enjoying a night of camping and your are on the couch. Worse yet - when you have friends that don't seem to even care - when I know that is not the case - it is just that is how I feel - one of my friends just tells me to stop feeling because I am acting like a girl, but hey I am a girl.

So I am not sure if this is helping me or making me more unsettled in the emotions category - I hate being this way because I know that it is not me and it stinks. I hate drugs. But yet if it makes my hands work - then it is worth it! So the moral of this whole blog is - don't take steroids unless you really need them and don't do drugs they will mess with your mind and don't get MS because it really sucks.

The end!