What a Difference A Year Makes

Just this past week I heard the words, "Your blood work looks great!"  That was not the case one year ago when I began my journey with functional medicine.  It is hard to believe that it has been almost exactly one year since I sat in this stranger's office, in tears, wondering if I was every going to feel better, if I was ever going to make it through the day without being overcome by fear, anxiety, constant darkness, physical pain, and an adrenal system that was going crazy! 

I remember that day, as if it were yesterday.  I sat in the chair and just sobbed as he tried to make sense of all that was going on in my body, all the the prescription medicines that I had tried with little to no success.  For months I had been wondering why I was getting worse and not better - my family doctor was wondering the same thing, so we both agreed it was time to take the plunge and try another avenue which led me to Dr. Shannon Smith at Turnpaugh Health and Wellness Center in Mechanicsburg. 

As I sat there in tears, I remember Joel saying, "this is not my wife.... she is not a crier, I am the crier of the family."  I said that was true, though I am not sure he believed us at the time.  My first visit he said, we are going to try to bubble wrap you and at least calm some things down while we figure out what is going on.  So he prescribed several supplements and a blood draw with 15 vials of blood as well as a food allergy test. 

The results came back, and my blood work was anything but good!  I had a Co-infection in my body that was going nuts - my numbers were both over 4.5 (they are to be less than 1.0).  My adrenal system was stuck in fight or flight and my body was filled with histamines that were causing my brain to not work properly.  On top of that my food reactions were off the charts! 

With the results in hand, Dr. Shannon began adjusting my supplements, adding and taking away as he looked at my tests and blood work.  He would check in with me weekly and adjust as necessary.  Within one week of his adjusting my supplements and taking me off most of my meds - I woke up one day without panic, without fear, and without tears... it was a strange but welcomed change!  That was my turning point. 

Though I was hoping that it would only take a month or two to recover, instead of a year, I am thankful for this journey.  It has taught me so much about myself, my God, my family, my friends and my health. 

For myself, I have learned that it is okay to ask for help.  I have learned that I can't be all things to all people and that is okay.  I learned to cherish the good days, and trust that God has a purpose for the hard days.

As for God, I have learned that he will never leave me nor forsake me.  In my darkest of days, when all I could do was cry why, He was there!  He held me in his loving arms, even when all I felt was numbness.  He gave me truth through his word even when I didn't have ears to hear it.  He was and still is faithful! 

My family was my constant!  Though I struggled to do much during that time and leaving the house was sometimes overwhelming for me (I literally struggled to be in the car as my anxieties went through the roof).  Joel was on call all the time.  He couldn't fix it which I think was the worst thing for him, but on a daily basis he would come home from church to sit with me, he would hold me until I fell asleep.  My daughter, she watched me struggle - she asked me often if I was dying.... that was devastating for me as I thought maybe I was. 

My friends showed up to "babysit" me, to pray for me, to make meals for me, to just sit with me when I had nothing to offer but tears.  I had friends that planted my gardens, my flowerbeds and even came and weeded for hours.  I am so blessed by my friends and I am so blessed that I have the ability to enjoy doing my garden this year.

Lastly, this journey to a healthier me has been a long and hard journey, but one I would not trade for the world.  It has been hard to change my diet completely!  It has been challenging financially (our insurance does not cover any of my appointments, supplements, or treatments).  It has been challenging emotionally wondering if these changes will be the "new normal" for me.  I have cried at my share of events and restaurants when nothing on the menu is approved for me to eat without cheating.  I have cried when I have watched other enjoy something that I can't have..... but on the flip side I have celebrated a year of better health!  A year of transformation!  A year of being down 50 pounds!  And a year of hard work to be close to saying my autoimmune disease - Multiple Sclerosis is nearing remission!  I can now begin exercising!  I can garden for hours and not feel like I have been hit by a car after 5 minutes.  I was able to go to Disney with my family, a trip we had promised Ella when she turned 8, but a trip I was sure we would not be able to take because I was so sick (side note:  Disney does an amazing job catering to dietary restrictions!)

So today - I will celebrate, because God has blessed me beyond what I deserve, and he has given me fresh hope, a sense of peace and accomplishment, and he has given me a reminder that you can't have your destiny with our your history!   My story is messy and hard at times, but it is my story with God's strength, power, and grace written all over it. 

Before my journey 

After losing 50 pounds :) 

What Can you eat?

Many people ask me "what can you eat?"  Well here is a general list...

https://www.phoenixhelix.com/2013/06/02/paleo-aip-grocery-list/ 

I am out of the strict elimination phrase so I am now able to eat some grains as long as they are gluten free, tomatoes and potatoes on occasion and I have some caffeine with tea and intense dark chocolate (though I did just read that is not good for adrenal fatigue so I will probably be cutting that out as well for a while)  I also get asked a lot... "how long do you have to eat this way" or "do you have to do this forever"   The short answer is I have to do this for the next year at minimum... but my Dr. said, if you feel better eating this way - why would you change?  Good question. 

Others ask "don't you miss eating whatever you want?"  Yes - yes I do miss certain foods and I miss them a lot.  I miss bread, I miss pizza, I miss the convenience of picking up a sub quick from sheetz.  I miss Snicker's Bars and Dr. Pepper especially when I am having a crappy day.  I miss licorice when I am on a road trip.  I miss ice cream from Cruisers.  So the answer is yes, I miss a lot of things - but I don't miss feeling awful all the time.  I don't miss the panic attacks.  I don't miss the migraines (haven't had one in over 4 months).  I still do get teary eyed sometimes when I go to an event and can't eat a single thing.  I get frustrated at restaurants that say they have GF options and the option is a salad (Yes I do get tired of salads!)

Many also ask if I eat a lot of the same foods... the answer is yes.  I should eat much more of a variety and I was reminded of that this week when my friend Trish Hoffman did a 20 Plant Based food challenge.  It was a great reminder of the need for variety to get a variety of nutrients.  Some of the foods I eat often include.... mushrooms (I usually eat 3-4 containers of them a week), broccoli, cauliflower, carrots (raw), meat (all kinds though I should eat more fish).  I do also have a smoothie almost every morning which is coconut milk, a banana, and a variety of berries.  I have to be cautious with  my histamines so I still avoid spinach most of the time as well as strawberries (the low histamine diet is a whole new list of fun on top of the AIP diet - insert eye roll here)

Many people also ask if I feel different - the answer is a resounding yes!  I do feel different and in many ways I feel way better.  I have lost over 42 pounds, I have dropped two clothing sizes (which means I have some clothing I need to get rid of) but I am still struggling.  My adrenal fatigue and constant fight or flight is improving but not completely gone.... my energy levels are low and I get tired very easily (hence why my doctor told me I need to rest 3 hours each day - no I am not doing very well with that directive).  My immune system is still in distress and it could take up to a year or more to heal (insert sad face here).  But with all things, this is a journey and I am making great strides, and I am learning the hard way that healing doesn't come over night and it takes a lot of hard work, and patience especially when you start to treat the actual issue and not just the symptoms. 

I am so thankful for the care I have received at Turnpaugh Health and Wellness Center.  I have made huge strides over the last 6 months and my numbers have improved.  Dr. Shannon Smith has been an amazing doctor and I am so thankful for God's hand in providing just the right person at just the right time.  I am also so thankful for my family Dr. and NP Mandy and Shellie and their support in this long and very frustrating journey.  I am thankful that they support natural medicine and desire to work together with my functional doctor to help me achieve wellness. 

Camps Galore

It has been awhile since my last update (almost a month).  Before I give an update I would just like to say thank you to the countless people who have been praying for me - I am so grateful for you support and encouragement.  God has been working and I am so blessed!  Sometimes pictures speak volumes more than my words can..... so after my update I will give you a little glimpse of what my last month has looked like. 

My health has improved drastically over the past month.  Things that I wouldn't have been able to do a month ago - such as walk to the park, or carry loaded laundry baskets, I am now able to do without too much adrenaline being released in my body (think tight throat and chest, shortness of breath).  I am able to help lead worship again at church (though singing high is a bit of a struggle still).  I am able to make it through larger periods of time without having to sit down and take a break.  It is a wonderful improvement.

Twenty steps forward, three steps back.  With improvements, also comes the reality checks.  In feeling better I was doing more, being a little (I mean very little) less strict with my sugar intake, and resting less, which in turn caused some set backs.  The anxiety felt as though it was creeping back in... I described it to my Doctor as a Gray cloud (which is much better than the storm cloud that I was feeling before) but noticable enough that I began to get concerned that I was regressing.  I was also having more issues with my adrenals and histamines filling my throat and my chest... I feeling that I will not miss when it is finally gone.  My doctor increased my one supplement and told me no sugar.... like I said I thought I was being good but I cheated a little and boy did it make a noticable difference.  I didn't notice anything with my stomach so I thought I was good, but he told me that I can only do natural sugars and I have to always eat them with a protein or a fat.

I have been very strict this week on my diet which is still a modified AIP diet (Auto Immune Protocol) with a low histamine diet.  Basically veggies and meat with a little fruit and some gluten free and dairy products thrown into the mix every now and then. 

Now about my summer - I am so thankful for God's continuing to heal my body which has allowed me to speak and serve at several camps this summer.  I did have to back out of one camp which made my heart sad but so thankful my husband took me up to visit the Group Workcamp in Scranton PA and also thankful for my friend DKB for stepping in for me and letting me tag along on site visits.  I was even able to see many past campers and that brought my heart great joy!

DKB MCing at Scranton Workcamp

At the end of July I got to do a 12-13 year old camp at CRC.  We looked at Surprising Stories of Jesus.  It was a great week and Ella had a blast hanging out with the cabins. 

Learning about Lazarus

Enjoying my favorite holiday at camp

Sharing what God taught them at camp

Right after that we headed to Smicksburg PA to Little Mahoning Bible Camp where a group from our church served for the week.  This was a family mission trip and we had a great time.  I was grateful to have a kindred spirit in the kitchen there to help with my food - she even made me a wonderful GF/DF cake for my birthday! 

Birthday selfie (or an Us-y as I call them)

My yummy birthday cake

Teaching them how to tye-dye

Enjoying some quality time with Rebecca and Becca - painting the bathroom entrance

Our mission team 

After that we came home for a week to enjoy our town's festival called Dutch Days - I was able to help in a few stands throughout the week, but did have to back out of one due to the intense heat (heat and adrenal fatigue do not mix! Thanks Fred for covering for me) 

Helping make potpie 

And this week I am once again serving at CRC (Christian Retreat Center in East Waterford, PA).  This place is a place that I have grown to love and feels like home.  The cook Mindy has taken my special eating plan as a challenge and creates some amazing dishes to spoil me with.  This week is TIMS (Together in Mission Service) and the theme is Holy Ground.  Join me in praying that God's word would challenge these students and leaders. 

Prayers are appreciated as later this week I will get all my updated blood work results, as well as prepare to head out to my last camp of the summer - our church camp. 

Sunshine on a cloudy day

I just looked got back from an appointment and it is once again raining in Central PA - if you aren't from here it seems as though this is the norm.... cloudy, dreary, wet, sloppy... I am sure I could ask the local weather expert (Joel Sny the Weather guy) for some other fun descriptive words, but needless to say the weather reminds me of how I have been feeling over the last several months.... a dark cloud of pain, frustration, sadness, confusion had consumed me and I would be lying if I did say it consumed me.

BUT, (one of my favorite words in the bible, I call it a holy but because when it is used it mean that something good is coming) in the midst of the rainy season, there is sunshine, there is hope, and there are reminders of God's goodness.  This week for the first time in months I have felt a little better!  I have had some relieve from the anxiety portion and that my friends is something to celebrate.  I went the whole week without having a panic attack or crying.... (that is being very transparent) the doctor and I talked about this on Thursday and he asked how I was before this whole thing started as far as being emotional, I responded I have always been the tough girl kind, not a lot of tears, not a lot of emotion, more of a doer type/a thinker..... then he said just listening to me talk I sounded lighter and not as burdened - Very True!!  It is a like a cloud has been lifted.... I can't explain it, but I love that there has been some freedom in this area.

My sunshine package from the Zagames

There have been some great moments of sunshine this week for me.  First of all I finished up the school year which is a major accomplishment with all that I have been through the last few months.  I have had some great surprises in the mail.... first from the Zagame Family who sent me a box filled with yellow sunshine themed goodies!  Thank you so much for your kindness - it meant so much to me that you would do that for me.  Then I got a care package and a card from my friends at Group Mission Trips.... I felt so loved that they would take the time to do that for me, especially after having to cancel out on doing a camp for them this year because of my health - let's just say that was a very difficult decision.  Then Jackie Matter and her girls showed up several days and weeded my flower beds and my garden..... I was even able to get my beans planted before the rain (hopefully they don't get too much rain).  Christianna Maurer, Sandy Sieber, and Melissa Erdman have all dropped off  meals that are my crazy diet approved - they have been delicious and was a much appreciated surprises after a long days of inservice meetings. Another glimpse of sunshine was being able to actually play and sing for worship band this week for church.  It was still a bit taxing on my body with all my adrenal issues but it was so nice to be part of the band and lead singing on one of my new favorite songs - Is He Worthy by Andrew Peterson.

My care package from Group Mission Trips

So as far as an update is concerned, I did have an appointment this week and we reviewed my latest bloodwork and was able to ask my list of questions.  The conversation started with addressing the great improvements in the panic/anxiety area and as we were talking the doctor said to me, You know I really feel like God is going to use this part of your story to really help people,  and share how you got through this dark time in your life.... I responded that I feel like God already has started using it... and I am not even through it!  How cool is that my doctor said that!  Anyway, so my bloodwork just confirmed some things that we already knew... Mast Cell Activation causing Extreme Adrenal Fatigue and Extreme Gastritis which is causing my body to fill with Histamines (that is my basic diagnosis, though it is a little rough when your doctor uses the word extreme to describe all your symptoms).  Anyway, the bloodwork showed that my body has created an anti-body to B12 (that's not good by the way) so my body is attacking the one thing that I really need to get better.   He added one more supplement and suggested I get my B12 shot as soon as possible to try to keep as much B12 in my system as possible while trying to stop the antibody.  Not sure if any of that makes sense but basically my body is working against itself - so we have to calm all this down to help it function properly.   

So what does that mean as far as how I feel and what I can do.... well in a nutshell; I am still restricted greatly on what I can eat - no gluten, no dairy, no soy, no sugar, low histamine diet - for lack of a better word.... it sucks and at times it makes me want to cry - the most difficult part is the low histamine foods (no strawberries, spinach, vinegar (ps every dressing and condiment has vinegar) no lunch meat or processed meats, no cashews or walnuts, no fermented foods, etc).  I still taking about 30 supplements a day as well as two powder drinks to help my body recover, but I am able to now just take a half of a pill (actual medication) to help with my brain health - but it also helps me to sleep soundly, now I just have to take my anxiety meds as needed instead of daily which I had been doing for the last two months.  I am still tired a lot (but I have to remember my Epstein Barr was super high - aka Mono) and my adrenal system likes to go into fight or flight just by carrying a basket of laundry to the laundry room, but I have learned when I feel that racing feeling in my body, I must just sit down, let it calm down, and then try again.  Still no exercise but I can try to do short walks close to home unless I feel the racing then I need to rest.  My throat still feels tight and gets filled with histamines on and off throughout the day, but I am learning some tricks to help that and now that I understand what is happening I definitely panic less as I know my stomach and adrenals are not playing nicely with my body.

My doctor has mentioned the words months lately as a reference to when I should be feeling more normal.... I pray that it will happen more quickly than a few months, but as I wait and as I deal with the symptoms I will celebrate the improvements and celebrate God's faithfulness.  He has walked with me through this dark challenging season, He has provided great encouragement for me along the journey.  He has blessed me with an amazing group of friends who have called, written, texted or just stopped in to help me and visit me - I can't thank you enough!  It seems lately every time I turn on the radio the song by Josh Baldwin called Stand in Love is playing - the Lyrics say, my fear doesn't stand a chance when I stand in your love.  That is my prayer daily that I would stand in his love and be reminded that this is his battle and not mine to fight.  I will rest in that! 

When darkness tries to roll over my bones

When sorrow comes to steal the joy I own

When brokenness and pain is all I know

Oh, I won't be shaken, no, I won't be shaken

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love!

Shame no longer has a place to hide

I am not a captive to the lies

I'm not afraid to leave my past behind

Oh, I won't be shaken, no, I won't be shaken!

'Cause my fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love!

Oh, I'm standing

There's power that can break off every chain

There's power that can empty out a grave

There's resurrection power that can save

There's power in Your name, power in Your name

There's power that can break off every chain

There's power that can empty out a grave

There's resurrection power that can save

There's power in Your name, power in Your name!

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love!

Oh when, when I'm standing in Your love

Oh, my fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love

My fear doesn't stand a chance

When I stand in Your love!

Oh, oh-oh, I'm standing in Your love

I stand in Your love

Standing on the rock

Oh, I'm standing, standing in Your love

From the Mouth of A Child

This was when I could actually eat cheesecake!

As you can imagine the last four months have taken a toll on me as a wife but also has a mom.... it is so difficult to drum up energy to play and enjoy time with my very active 7 year old when I feel as though I have been hit by a car.

Last night we were in our jammies at 5:30 and snuggling on the couch (because that is what I had the energy for).  As I started to braid her hair, I commented that it had been a long time since I had braided her hair and she said, it's because you have been in the hospital so much.   I guess my three trips to the ER have made an impact on her, but she also may be thinking that every time I went to the doctor it was a trip to the hospital.

When Ella sees me struggling, she will often come up and give me a hug and pray for me on the spot, that does my heart good to know that my child is praying for me.  I think if I hadn't been crying already I would have started the first time she prayed for me.

Every morning before school Ella would help me get out my supplements for the day.... I wrote how many of each on the top of each bottle and she counts them out and she makes me my Relax Max Drink while Joel makes my smoothie.  The only down side to it is the a few of the lids are the same size and they may or may not have been switched last night - but I caught it after just one day of take an extra B vitamin or two.

We have had to do life a little different the last few months.  I have missed some of her games and activities which I hate to do, but she has handled it as well as possible.  We have eaten supper on the couch a lot, we have watched a lot of Tiny House shows, and played a lot of Rack-O - but for such a time as this.... this is what we do to get by.

On good days we go outside and I sit on the chair and she plays, and helps me in the garden.  Now I don't want to paint a picture that it is always daisies and roses, because it surely is not.... we struggle I struggle to be patient, I struggle to be energetic and Ella struggles to be understanding, and struggles to not complain about not being able to do something she wants to do.

All this to say - I am so thankful for my little family and all they have done for me.  God knew that I would need them and I have needed them and continue to need them to help me walk through this journey.  When I don't feel like I have much to be thankful for..... I am reminded I am blessed beyond measure with a family who loves me and I count that as a true blessing from God!

So thankful for these two blessings!!!

For Better or Worse

This morning as I struggled to get out of bed, I noticed the smell of something cooking in the kitchen along with the rumble of the Ninja (which is out smoothie machine).... as I stubbled to the kitchen after my shower I found my husband busy in the kitchen cooking chicken and making my daily smoothie will with my newly approved foods.  But the chicken had me stumped.... so I asked what is that for?  His reply.... I knew you would need something you could eat for lunch today so I thought I would make you some chicken!  You see we have some great leftovers in the fridge but leftovers from more than a day contain histamines and I can't have histamines.  So packing approved lunches has been a struggle, going out to eat has been a struggle, having energy to cook has been a struggle.... but my dear husband has recognized how challenging things are.... he recognizes the moments in the day that cause stress or cause me to feel flustered and he steps in..... as has Ella (but I will save that for another post)

My family has sacrificed a lot over the past months and they have picked up my slack.  They have done extra chores, cleaning, laundry, planting, watering.... but the best part of what they have done is they have rested with me.  They have snuggled on the couch after a long day when I have no energy left and we watch Tiny Houses and talk about whether or not we could live in one... Ella is sure that we could... and then I remind her that she would have to get rid of ALOT of her toys and dolls.... then she quickly changes her mind. 

I know on our wedding day, we didn't say the traditional vows, but on our wedding day - I know we promised each other to be partners in life, whatever life brings.  My husband has done that - in more ways that I can count.  I don't know how long this will continue, but one thing I can be sure of is that I have a man who will walk through it with me, and when I feel hopeless or I feel alone, I am reminded that God is near because he has used my husband daily to show me just that.

I know Joel's love language is not words of affirmation, but to me part of my daily reminders is to find things to be thankful for in the midst of feeling crappy - and today I am reminded how thankful I am for my Husband especially!!!!  Joel Wade Snyder - thank you for being the hands and feet of Christ in my life!  I love you to infinity and beyond..... plus one!

"A Cord of three strands it not easily broken" Ecc. 4:12

A look in the Mirror

Over the last few weeks I have heard many comments and compliments about how much weight I have lost (close to 40 pounds, and yes I know that is a lot)  My husband has told me how good I look on numerous occasions, people have said wow - you look great..... but to be honest, I look in the mirror and my eyes fill with tears... I see beyond what the scale says, I look and see the fear of the uncertainty, I see the fatigue that holds on like a vengeance, I see the void of laughter and joy that I so desperately long to experience.... I see someone who is struggling to me a teacher, a mom, and a wife... but also struggling to cling cling to the promise that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  You see in the midst of this physical battle, and emotional and spiritual battle is ever present and plagues my heart daily.  I know much of it is caused directly by my condition, yet it is a struggle none the less.  Things that never caused me stress before, now send my adrenaline racing.  Conflict with my child causes me to go from calm to calamity in seconds, and my level of sensitivity to my husband's volume or tone has skyrocketed.  So that is what I see when I look into that mirror.  Today I forced myself to repeat that I was fearfully and wonderfully made.  I was reminded that mirror may reflect the fear, hurt, and fatigue; but it also reflects the image barrier of God, to which I will cling to and remind myself of daily.  Tomorrow my mirror with be covered with reminders of that (that is if I have enough energy tonight lol)


While writing these last two blog post has been therapeutic, as it helped me to put words to the journey that I have been on, it is also quite difficult.   I was planning to write this post last week after my doctor's appointment as I knew that many people were asking about my appointment and praying for answers and clarity to what was going on.  However, the last few days have been a struggle and as I think about what is wrong, and how long the process may be, I get overwhelmed, and just curl up in a ball and cry..... it's not that the diagnosis is that awful, it's more of the fact that I have been so tired for so long and felt so sick in many ways that I just want to get well....immediately - and I know that in this journey, there is not much that has been immediate.  It makes me wonder if I at some point have prayed or asked God to help me with my patience - lol! 

So the long and the short of it is this...... my 5 day steroid treatment basically completely shut down my immune system and in the process, two viruses that were dormant in my body took off and multiplied.  One was the Epstein Barr virus (also known as Mono) my number was to be below 1.0 and when checked the number was 4.7 along with another virus (not sure of what it is but it is also 4.5 instead of a 1.0.  With the viruses going rampant and my immune system being compromised it has caused my adrenal system to have an overreaction, my anxiety to run wild, and for a Mast Cell Activation to occur.  And along with this my body is releasing histamine, which now adds another set of restrictions to my diet, along with no gluten and no dairy.... yes I did cry when he said I couldn't have vinegar for a month - do you realize that everything good has vinegar in it - pickles, ketchup, mustard, salad dressing, marinades, but also I can't have strawberries, spinach, tomatoes, citrus.... Okay now I am just complaining - sorry I just have struggled with the whole food thing.

The good news is that my doctor is confident that I will get better, the issue is that it will take time.  I am now up to about 30 supplements daily as well as two medicines.  I am so thankful for my doctors on this journey.   They have listened to me, dealt patiently with my frustrations with all my bad medicine reactions and they have been so encouraging. 

Am I getting better?  I know that I am in some ways but in each step of the process there are hurdles, and the current hurdle is that I can't really do activity because it causes stress on my body... oh wait... I am supposed to do restorative yoga daily :)  That is a bit challenging but I am thankful for a little yoga buddy who gets down on the floor with me.  The other challenge is that currently I am having swallowing issues, which then leads to panic.  I think it is a combination of the Epstein Barr virus which is making my throat dry and the acid reflux which is causing my throat to feel full and causes swallowing issues.  So if you are willing to pray for that specificially - I would greatly appreciate it.

I had more blood work done on Monday and have a follow up appt. next week.  I know that God has got this.... it is his battle to fight and not mine.... the challenge is to not just know that to be true in my mind, but to trust that in my heart.  God is good, I know he is!  God is with me I know He is!  But my heart is weary and my body is tired.