Who is this Me?

This week has been one of the toughest weeks I have had in a long time. I have really struggled with my health this week, which in turn has set off my emotional health as well. I am not sure how to deal with all of this, so for me when I get overwhelmed or consumed by something, I tend to write. But I am going to be honest, I don't usually let anyone read what I have written. However I feel as though I have struggled to put into words how I am dealing with my MS, so tonight as I laid here once again consumed by my fears and worries, I found myself writing for the first time since I have been diagnosed.... so here it is

Who is this Me?

Written 6/27/08

This disease called MS is ruining my me…

It’s sucking my life out, why can’t you see….

The thoughts that are raging and consuming my mind

Are irrational, cynical, angry, and mostly unkind

It’s like a war that raging from deep down inside

The pain and burning does not seem to want to subside

There are days filled with energy that seem to be so good

But they are hardly remembered, although they sure should

They should be my focus on the really bad days

But when bad days come, they are but a haze.

I am tired of dealing with this, and it’s just been a year

I feel as though I have lost myself, and that is what I fear.

The fears consume me; they seem to rupture my soul

The tears rush like rivers, drowning out all my goals.

I had different plans God – why can’t you see

This disease is destroying this person I call me

Who is me anymore, or dare do I ask

I am not even sure; it’s like wearing a mask

I am empty, I am broken, I am just a big mess

All I want is to be me, and that would be a success

But now the question is back to square one

Who is this me, to this question I succumb…

Who is this me that I search for, is there even a hope

I struggle to find out the answers, Lord please help me cope

You see I know all the answers, I have the degree

But it doesn’t take away the memories of the old me.

I should put things in the past, most people would say

And put on a smile, and celebrate this brand new day

The advice sounds legit a good place to start

But how do you begin to overcome the funeral in my heart.

Right now in the midst of this troublesome time

I must cling to the hope that only in Him I can find

The me that I long for, I may never again know

But I am sure the Great Healer will stand my side as I go

This is a comfort, but truly honest I must be

That when life’s filled with darkness His light’s hard to see

So right now as I wrestle, with the thoughts of despair

I get by with the promise that God will always be there

Although this storm, seems to be wrecking my well planned out life

I cling to the promise that I will never be left out of His sight

Lord, I need you to hold me, to get me through this life’s storm

Show me a new me, one to which you will form

Form me into a servant; give me a heart that will love

Show me new ways to show your mercy, ways that comes from above.

And now as I rest, hold me tight in your arms

For only You can give shelter in the midst of the storms

Farewell Lorelai and Rory!!!

I can check one of my New Year's Resolutions off the list. This afternoon I watched the final episode of Gilmore Girls. It was sad...and I must admit I cried...not because the show is over, but because it was a happy sad ending to the story that has been going on for years. I really enjoyed the show (with the exception of a bit of smut that was thrown in, without my permission of course) but good. Thanks Mom Storm for getting me the first two sessions during my treatments last year. These Gilmore Girls were so fun to watch, but this may sound silly, they actually have helped me get through many of my bad days when I couldn't get out of bed and had no TV to watch to pass the time. Also a big thanks to Jeanne and Betsy for keeping the ending a surprise, I know that it must have been very hard since you would watch a whole season in a night, and then had to keep it a secret for months - I am impressed!

The Next Great Adventure

So our lunch adventure today was a big hit we had 28 kids come to our pool party. It was so entertaining to watch my kids have such a good time. There is a huge group of 5th graders moving up to Branching Out (our Middle School Youth Group). The whole day was one laugh after the next, the kids were doing flips on the board, in the one picture below Nate is doing his one time a year sit up (that is my kinda kid!!!) Then the other picture is of our kids walking in a circle around the pool to create a whirlpool. They are such a fun group!

We are also doing a study of Ephesians and this week we focused on the importance of praying for our friends and our church family!

Lunch Adventure #2 - My 16 kids

I have gone places with my kids before and I have had people ask me which one of the kids was mine, and I would laugh and let them know that none of them were actually mine, I just borrowed them for the day....but this time the question was a little different. Last week while we were enjoying a bit of a rainy day at the park I had a woman come up to me in front of all 16 kids and ask me if these were all my children....so I laughed and said...well not all of them are mine....then after she said, wow and walked away, I realize that I just lied to a complete stranger and pretended that some of the kids were actually mine. The kids thought it was so funny that everytime she would walk by our site one of them would say, Mom can you help me, or mom Johnny hit me. It was so funny...so I really look old enough to have 16 children who don't look alike at all? I mean I am all for adoption, but wow! Anyway - we had such a great time despite the rain, I even built a fire so we could all stay warm after my crazy boys jumped in the 50 degree lake! (I have some more cool pictures but they are being held hostage on my cell phone) Stay tuned for our next Lunch Adventure!

Anna & Joel's Wedding

Well my posts have been a little absent this week....but I feel like I had a great excuse. I had the priviledge of being the wedding coordinator for my dear friend Anna. It was a crazy busy week but we pulled it off and it was a perfect day for the bride and groom. Here is a picture of Anna and I just before I was off to be sure everyone was in the right place. It was so fun to help with the wedding and help reduce the stress for the family. If I had more energy I would do this as my job, but I think I will have to pass on that for a while, until my energy levels return (if they do!)

My three Dads

In honor of Father's Day I thought that I would do a little tribute to my Dads. You may be thinking to yourself - Dads I didn't know Jana had more than one dad...I do ....I actually have three....I will explain I promise.

First is my Dad - the man that I call Dad...the guy that changed my diapers...(at least I think he did) the one that let me cuddle up on his lap when I was cold (big guys are great for that) I remember him giving me M & Ms when I got my stitches out. He is a great man...he has overcome many obstacles in his life and he has become an even better dad through each one. During this past year we had a huge scare...my dad was life flighted to the hospital with a massive heart attack, it didn't look good, but by the grace of God, he made it through - he has lost 75 pounds and looks and acts like a brand new man - I hardly recognize him when I see him. I love my dad! I long for his approval (too much so sometimes) but I am proud to be his little girl and I am honored to be called Charlie! (The picture is from Christmas 2006)


My next dad - is my father. By defination the father is the one who is the male that had a role in creating you. That is my birth father. I do not have a name for this man, I don't have a picture of this man, however I do know a few things. I know that he was tall...6'3, I know that he has blue eyes and blonde hair, I know that he is around 51 year old. He has fair skin, has a slim build, and was very intelligent. From these facts I am assuming that I got my big feet and big hands from him, my blonde hair from him. But everything else must be from my mom since I am not tall, I have brown eyes, and I am dark complected and I am not very intelligent (just normal intelligence). As I said before - I don't know him, but I do love him, and I pray for him - thanks for chosing life!

And lastly but most importantly - my Abba Father...God - our show yesterday Get Real with Dave and Jana featured the topic Abba Father and it was about God's longing to have an intimate relationship with him. Abba is translated - Daddy - which is a very intimate relational term. It is a reminder of how much God the Father loves us and desires to have a relationship with us, he longs to comfort us, to shine his love through us, and to give hope to us. That is what he has done for me over this past year. He has given me hope, when I have been overwhelmed by life. He has given me comfort in the midst of the challenges of MS, and he has given me peace in knowing that my identity is in him and not the things that I can or can not do. Abba Father - thank you for loving me despite all my weaknesses, I am blessed to be called your child.

Impressive!

I am so impressed with myself, I blogged 14 times in one day! I think it must be my competitive nature that still lurks inside of me, that when I set out to do something I want to do it well, so once I declared it in my mind that it was National Blog Alot Day I thought I should live it up! So that is what I did, and it may just be a record - do you know of anyone else who has blogged 14 times in one day....if you do let me know. I am now off to count pills for the Guatemala Mission Trip. Have a great day!

Dairy Queen's Last Supper

So a very unusual sight tonight at the Dairy Queen. We were sitting enjoying our ice cream, when I noticed above the stuffed animal crain machine there was a picture of the Last Supper, I asked my kids if they thought that was strange, and Jacob one of my boys said - well maybe they are all eating ice cream and that is why they have it on there! It was too funny! Can you imagine Jesus and the Disciples sitting at the table washing each others feet then eating a Blizzard from Dairy Queen. Fun Times!

Majestic

On our way to the bounce complex today we drove pass this field filled with flags - it was so cool even my middle school kids noticed, so I stopped the big blue whale (aka the church van) in the middle of the road and had Braedon take a picture! There is just something majestic about flags!

Branching Out Bouncing!

Tonight was another trip to the Bounce Fun Complex in Selinsgrove. We had a great time, and just for all of you that are wanting to mom me and ask if I actually bounced with the kids while being sick - the answer is no - I was good - I just watched and took pictures, I actually got tired watching them! We had a great time!

Bocce Fun in the Sun! Lunch Adventure #1

So instead of breakfast on every Wednesday like we do during the school year, we have decided that we are going to do Lunch Adventures instead - that way we can all sleep in, and to be honest I am not a big breakfast person anyway. So this week we had some nice sandwiches but the best part was the strawberry fest we had for dessert! Yum!! After lunch we headed to the park for a fun filled Bocce Challenge. As you can see in the pictures - we had a great time, and Drew had so much fun he broke the ball! Long but funny story you will have to ask him about it! I just love Bocce - it is great for all ages, genders, disabilities etc. Great Times and Great Adventures, tune in next Wednesday to see about our next adventure!

New Technology - Friend or Foe?

A dear friend gave me this really cool new technology stuff for my computer - a camera and mic, so I can communicate to people over the computer. It is great - when it works...but when it doesn't it is so super frustrating. And it is even more frustrating when it works with some people and not with others...and since I know nothing about it and my computer tech decided to leave the country, I am going to have to rely on someone else's brain power to figure this whole thing out!

PS - This is my 10th blog today - Happy Blog Alot Day!

Eight Posts in one hour!!!

Oh my!!! Eight posts in one hour - that is almost unheard of! I can't believe I just did that! Watch out you blogaholics.... I may just get a record for the number of blogs in one day! I hope I don't run out of things to blog about! Oh wait I am a girl...I can always think of things to talk about!!!

Hungary Prayer Request

Joel just left with a group of 12 people to do a two week trip to Hungary. They will be working with Word of Life. The first week they will be doing set-up for the camp and the second week they will be helping to teach English and Baseball to the kids. They may also have some opportunities to do some open air evangelism. Please keep them in your prayers and you can get updates about the trip daily by going to Hungary08.com.

Josh Griffin

A blog about a blogaholic!!!! If you have never checked out Josh Griffin's blog you should....he blogs an average of about 10 blogs a day, they are always entertaining, and sometimes even helpful and thought provoking! Check it out at Morethandodgeball.com Today I had the priviledge and honor to do an interview with Josh for our summer youth ministry series that will be aired in July on Get Real with Dave and Jana. It was so fun to chat with him before we did the interview - he is so funny! Really really funny! But what I didn't realize is that he can also be very serious and well spoken. We did a 15 minute interview and he was able to maintain a serious tone through the whole thing! Actually, he is a great guy with a great heart, and a great deal of wisdom about Youth Ministry. Check out his blog, if nothing else you will be entertained! Thanks for an awesome interview today!!!

LBG Graduation 08

I can't believe that I have had these kids since they were in 7th grade! Wow - time flies! At graduation one of my boys Harry Lesher had the honor of giving a speech as class president. He did such a great job, he had everyone laughing - it was great. But he also had a message to share with the class...he told them that there was someone in his life that contantly reminded him that "to those who have been given much, much is expected!" That someone was me and he used that statement to address his peers and the entire group of people in attendance. I was so proud of him, and I was happy to know that my nagging him with that statement actually had a positive impact on him and hopefully those around him!

Gross!!! Fish skin!!!!

Our last night at the beach we ate at a place called Awful Arthurs. And since we were at the beach I thought that it would be appropriate for me to order my once or twice a year fish meal. So I ordered this battered fish, which was very tasty and it looked very appetizing, until I turned it over to realize that the skin was still on it....I am sure that it was intentional...but I want you to know that if you ever make me fish, please feel free to peel off the skin I don't really need it to be on there.

It was a nice place though and the food was very tasty, I am just weird about fish skin I guess....they had hushpuppies and they were delish!

Tim Buck II

Yes there is a place in the Outer Banks called Tim Buck II and it is actually located in Corolla right across from the house that I stayed in two falls ago. After we had dinner, most of the gang walked around and shopped, but for those that know me, shopping is not my favorite activity, plus I was tired (remember the whole fight between MS and Heat - yeah let's just say the heat won and kicked my butt!) So Joel and I found a swing and sat and chatted which was nice! As I was sitting there I was thinking about how much my life has changed since I last sat on that porch swing...it has been about a year and half. And these are the things that have changed since that point:

• I woke up blind in one eye - they thought it was lymes disease



• I have had 6 MRIs - they are fun



• I was told I had Lymes Disease - but they retested and that was wrong.



• I started to Co-Host a Radio Show



• My sister in law was life flighted to the hospital - blood clots in her lungs - she is fine now



• I was diagnosed with MS in April



• Several Friends got engaged and then married



• Did crazy stuff with my friend Jared - like canoeing the Susquehanna in the winter along with all the ice chunks.



• Turned 32



• Started my 6th year of working at the church



• My dad was lifeflighted to the hospital for triple bipass - three ambulance trips back to the hospital, a lot of stress for the family, and 75 pounds lost - Dad is doing great!



• Church Drama - yuck!



• Change in friendships, some losses, some gains



• And now a relationship with a great guy

Wow - alot has happened! And that was all going through my mind as I was sitting on that porch swing....scary to think that I think that much! No wonder I have anxiety problems!

Beach Time Fun

Last week I got to go to the beach with the whole Snyder Clan. Let me just tell you it was a very long drive for a very short time, but it was fun to get away even if just for a short time. On our way down I was imagining in my mind what I would do while I was there, and it is funny...but I am not sure I actually did much of what I pictured in my mind. I thought I would be spending a lot of time at the beach, enjoying the sun , and the water, maybe going for a walk on the beach....so yeah - not really much of that. It was so hot and humid we were only at the beach for a couple hours and then we spent the rest of the time at the pool - which worked out much better for me. Let's just say MS and Heat are not very nice to each other. The other weird thing...I was there for three days and this is the only picture that I took, but at least it was a really cute one! This is Joel's nephew Isaac! He is my adopted buddy, because some of the best kids are adopted kids!!! Not that I am biased or anything!

Surprise Parties

Do you know how hard one person has to work to throw a surprise party for a farmer....really hard, in fact, I moved the party 5 different times in less than 3 hours. It was crazy, I had to lie - a lot, I had to involve the parents, I even had to beg the birthday guy to come help me move a desk, so finally around 9pm - Erik shows up in his dirty clothes tired and ready to help me out just to find my dining room filled with people that wanted to wish him a Happy Birthday. You see we couldn't cancel or postpone the party because I had already made him a cake! This was one cake I did not want to cut. I was so proud of myself.

National Blog Alot Day!

Okay so I have recieved a few complaints that I have been a slacker in my blogging recently....that actually is very exciting to me, since that must mean that people actually care to read my blog! So in honor of all of my faithful readers, today is National Blog Alot Day! So be ready to read about all the things that I have been doing but haven't had time to write about. Enjoy!!!

One out of 24

Okay so I am in a house with about 24 other people and it is almost 1am and I am officially the only person not sleeping...rediculous!!! I am the one that is always tired and now I am the one that can't sleep - it is so annoying. In the last hour I have read many interesting things

• What to look for when buying a kayak
• Top 100 websites to check out for all sorts of needs
  
• Apple Juice has less calories than white grape juice
• The new Honda element that has a camper built into it's roof
• A story about Sasqwatch and smores
• Facts about exercise and obesity
• Facts about going green
  
• Facts about must have camping equiptment
• And facts about other things that I don't like to talk about since I am not married!
  

So basically if you haven't figured it out by now - I have spend the last two hours reading Camping Life Magazine and I have read Women's Health Magazine. I have also tried listening to music, not so much helping the can't sleep thing.....but oh you know what I just realized.....I forget to take my night medicine, which in case you didn't know - helps me sleep (one of its many benefits) although the later I take it the harder it is to get up in the morning.

WOW - if I could have only remembered that about 4 hours ago - I would be sleeping by now!

So far behind!

So I have about 12 different things that I would like to blog about but I have been so busy and I haven't had time to download my pictures, so as soon as I do that I will be all over the blogs again. In the mean time I will just sit back and relax, because I am on VACATION!!!!!! Loving the time away, with my man and his family!